The language of whisky

There are a few things starting to get on my nerves and as I’ve had a few drams let’s sit back and prepare for me to rant like fuck for the next few hundred words.

First things first, this isn’t about the smoke and mirrors marketing bollocks, I’ve written about this at length before and I’m not going over it again. No dear reader, this is me moaning about really trivial shit and making mountains out of mole hills.
I’ll start with the word sláinte. Stop it, for a start saying it sounds wrong and you’re also saying it wrong. Assuming you’re trying to be Scottish then you should say sláinte mhath, Slánte is Irish, so unless you’re trying to be Irish then stop, I don’t even think most Scottish accents are acceptable for saying this by the way and when English accents attempt it it just reminds me of English people wearing kilts at weddings or black face. Would you dress up like a black and white minstrel? No you wouldn’t so stop with the sláinte.
Now if there is anyone still here I’ll go on about my next pet hate.
I have re written this several times, I honestly don’t want to upset anyone but I guess I might here so please come back at me if this does indeed cause you pain. My next pet hate is “straight forward” whisky writing or more to the point the inference that anyone who is a bit flowery in their own language is either lying and deceiving the reader or just waffling for the sake of it.
Do you read Burns or Wilde and wish they’d just got to the point? Do you think that Keats hammed it up a bit? Do you think I’m a twat for calling a dram “mermaids tears”? Then get yourself out of my house and don’t darken my door again and take your Dan Brown books and Top Gear box set with you.
Expressive language makes the world a more colourful place and I’ve always tried to add a little colour and humour into my reviews and the idea that people should just get to the point really gets on my tits, I take time with my reviews, not just the drinking and taking notes but I always try and convey more than just the basics, I make an effort to draw the reader in, to give them a laugh and perhaps to make them reach into their dram and think harder about what they’re drinking.  A wee side note here by the way that this isn’t always possible, some drams are more straight forward than others and simply don’t have the complexity or flavour range to merit such language.

I mean, come on now, be more expressive, have more fun with your writing, you’re not an advert, and if you are an advert then when are you an advert?
People whose blog posts are just beige and boring, borderline, copy and paste “reviews” it demeans you, this is supposed to be fun so stop being a whore and tone it down a bit with the constant promotional press release shit, I mean we all have our favourite drams and it’s okay to help out companies from time to time but eventually people will just turn off assuming you’re being paid off.
Oh and if you’re being paid off then that’s fine and dandy but if you’re not telling people then you’re just deceiving them.
People being mean to be edgy. Fuck off, honestly, if anyone reading this knows me they know I write as I speak, I use both flowery and vulgar language all the time and I have on occasion been rather cruel to the odd product, now and again.
Here is an example of me being a bit mean, but it’s mean’t to be a giggle, it’s obviously a bit of light fun on a product I am probably missing the point of and that’s fine.
Here, by the way, is a superb review of a dreadful whisky by the way, it’s written with charm and style and Mark is doing it not for kicks but because it’s an actual opinion and it’s so hard hitting because catty reviews are rare on Malt Review and he doesn’t make a thing of it.

Being negative for attention is unfair, for one thing taste is personal, I don’t like certain whiskies that others rave about but if I put them down it would be unfair. Just like the constant wailing on NAS whiskies, like they’re all shit, I mean yeah, some are, and some are over priced and gimmicky but many are excellent, not just a few, but many.

One thing I will say is that we should all be keeping check on the industry, it’s fair to criticise, it’s fair to attack but you need to back these attacks up with evidence or at least your own opinion.

For me writing about whisky is more than just a hobby or trying to get some free whisky, I’m writing down my thoughts and my passion, I’m showing myself to the world, I am using my reasonable flair for the English language on these pages because I’ve not done as well in life job wise as I should have, perhaps, and if nothing else this is my one opportunity to show my daughter in later years that I could do something entertaining and that I had a knack for turning heads with the way I talked about whisky, my reviews are little vignettes of my life, of evenings spent alone, for I have no friends in the real world, letting my mind run free, as it should be when drinking whisky.

Basically I write my reviews and moanings as if no one is reading, that’s it’s just for me, no pressure on me or anyone else.

Now, where is that Founders Reserve I’ve just been sent?
The Captain.